Not Quite Yet // Prayer to be a Mommy

I've been wanting to write this post for weeks.  I think I've been putting it off for a couple of reasons. One being that it's not the typical happy-go-lucky post that I prefer, and it's a little more personal and emotional.  However, I think it's time and I believe that it may be of encouragement to some of you.

The beginning of 2010 my husband (Steve) and I decided to have some tests done to see where we stood in the big, bad world of fertility.  Some of the news wasn't so good.  One of the bigger obstacles we faced was that I had a low follicle count and endometriosis.  Endometriosis is a horrible disorder that occurs when cells from the lining of the womb (uterus) grow in other areas of the body. Side effects can often be pain, irregular bleeding, and problems getting pregnant (aka infertility).

In March of 2010,  my husband and I decided to pursue IVF. That journey started {here} and ended {here}.  In July of 2010 we started to pursue and pray about adoption.  That adventure started {here} and ended {here}.  In trying to keep this post from turning into a book, I would encourage you to read through these posts by clicking on the labels IVF Journey and Adoption Adventures under the Live. Laugh. Labels in the sidebar.  Just be sure to start at the bottom {smile}.

2010 was an incredibly difficult year for me, being a woman who only dreamed of one day being a mother.  I never in a million years thought I might never hear a child call me mommy, have the opportunity to celebrate that first day of kindergarten or plan play dates at the park. Unfortunately, I'm  facing those realities.  I fight this silent battle called infertility every single day as I pray for the Lord to fill the desires of my heart or to give me a peace that passes all understanding, one that would erase my hurt and confusion.  I lie in wait.

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I know I'm not alone in facing infertility.  It seems as though more and more women/couples are having to consider their options.  Most of the options presented are costly, and some very hard decisions have to be made. A number of factors played into our decision to not pursue additional medical treatments and/or adoption (again, feel free to read about these decisions at your convenience in previous posts).  I can assure you those decisions were not easy, but we followed our hearts, stayed true to ourselves and we continue to trust the Lord.

A few weeks ago at church, they were doing a series on Prayer.  At our church, they allow you to text questions during the service that they will try to answer at the end (I personally think that is very cool).  As the Pastor preached about prayer and answers to prayer, someone text the question, "Why are some prayers answered and others are not?"  At first I thought, this poor man -- that's a tough question.  Let me say that his answer was meticulous.  He said that yes, some prayers are answered and some are not.   However, just because we haven't received an answer doesn't mean it won't be answered.  Pastor Mike said to look at the unanswered prayer as an interim time, God's way of saying --- not quite yet.  It doesn't mean your prayer will or will not be answered, but it's not quite time for an answer.  I remembered sitting there and starting to cry, almost as though the Lord whispered those three words into my ears, not quite yet.

I shared with my husband on the way home that Pastor Mike's message was what I needed to hear, a gentle reminder while facing an unanswered prayer.  It's all in God's hands, in His perfect timing.

While I don't know if I will be blessed with a natural pregnancy, I will remain hopeful.  And while I don't know if I will ever have an answer, I will remain faithful.  If you or someone you love is facing infertility, you're not alone (they're not alone).  A lot of women remain quiet and private about this journey, which is completely understandable.  It truly is an emotional roller coaster ride.  I've been very open on my journey and, trust me, there are some days I wished I hadn't been.  However, I believe if one thing has come out of this experience, it's that my faith has grown and I can encourage others along the way.  In August of 2011, a friend of mine sent me a lovely message that showed me that through my hardships, I was Blessed to be a Blessing.  In Ecclesiastes, it says there is a time for everything, but right now the time is not quite yet.

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